Happiness

Much too often I try to see things from more than one point of view. To walk in another's shoe for a mile inside my head. To think how another would think if they were a little more uptight, relaxed, irritable, mellow and so on.

I would think it has become a part of me to consider the views of others most of the time. To make decisions that gives the least amount of displeasure to others.

But it doesn't mean I have to appease everyone of course. I am still living for myself and in that regard, I will always think of my survivability. From this stemmed my apathetic nature I believe.

Cognitive dissonance. That's what you get when you care too much about everything and not care too much about everything at the same time. While I wont deny I like both of it for its merits, the option to just 'get both of it' isn't exactly the brightest I would believe. Not when prioritizing is possible at least.

I don't find my way of thinking weird or even abnormal. It's very average really. I am the priority to myself. I am capable of altruistic behaviour but in the end, my priority is to myself. Are we not of such a thinking manner?

I can never understand living for someone or something. I don't understand living for the sake of god, your parents or even a loved one. I just don't. I can conceive of the highest rank another can gain from me is to live With them, but never for them. As far as the pyramid of power goes, there is nothing at the highest position that caries the value of infallibility. I am second, and I can conceive of myself and others being wrong.

I can admit I have a fear for the unknown. It is this fear that drives me so hard to gain control about myself as much as possible. It is this fear that has pushed myself away from many things one can do in life. I can admit I am a coward.

Control, to me at least, is my sedation. It is my limit. It keeps me in check. My emotions can cause me to behave in ways I know not when they are tested, and so I learn control. It keeps me from boiling over and ripping off someone's throat. It stops me making irrational decisions. It stops me harming myself and those around me.

But often is it not the case whereby emotions are the hardest thing one can control? This, I would think, is another reason of my apathetic nature.

You see, I don't remember being born apathetic. I have always been a little sensitive. Easy to respond to what others have to say about me. I guess I still am. But at one point, I realize that what people can say to me hurts, and it can hurt very badly. Emotions are hard to deal with. It's hard to rationalize certain feelings away sometimes. So at one point, I guess I just learned to at least try and stop caring. Something that you do not care about can't affect you after all.

And yet, it never works that easily does it? Because I still care, and it all still affects me, I just tell myself it doesn't. Because not everyone speaks the way I do. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. But people lie. People exaggerate. People hurt me. And they do it without knowing it. But eventually, like most things, I learn. I learn that it is very much alright to let it affect me for that one instant before apathy kicks in. Emotion will always be faster than logic. It is a biological limitation. No point wallowing about it. Just keep working on not caring. Don't let the little things bother you.

I used to not think much about disappointment. I wouldn't mind asking for things knowing the answer is likely a 'no'. I would ask anyway. There is always a chance right? But at some point, you just learn to stop trying so hard. In the case of disappointment, I'm alright in fearing it, but I am mostly just tired. I'm tired for trying to get things to go my way. I'm tired of asking for things I will never get. I'm tired of trying so hard. I don't have many disappointments in life, simply because I don't try to do anything anymore. To realize this when I was a child was for me to grow up seeing motivation as a queue to give up.

I stopped trying to be happy. Failure in trying to be happy makes a person sad. To stop trying is to stop getting sad. In a way, to stop risking is to stop getting failure. I remember feeling numb. I still remember it. The funny thing about life is that when you have nothing to live or die for anymore, everything starts feeling plastic. Short term goals and self preservation can always provide for enough reason to live, but it doesn't feel the same. Not the same as spending your life looking for happiness, or even experiencing it. Maybe I'm just disappointed too easily.

When you stop trying to be happy, your life starts losing its meaning. The end result is often feeling negative anyway. Once upon a time I wondered, is this the reason why man has always tried so hard to attain happiness? Is it just to fill in the gap in their lives that otherwise would just be a spiral of sadness? I don't see the meaning. Not really.

But I can understand the idea of joy. I can understand the idea of being content. I can conceive of a possibility of enjoying myself, being content, even happy. That in itself is enough to keep me away from suicide, legal issues aside of course. But to be able to conceive of such a thing is to be disappointed to not be having it. Cognitive dissonance is a pain.

It is said that happiness is not something that comes to you, you have to search for it. And it makes sense to me. If you want something, get it. No point sitting about waiting for it to fall onto your lap. But it could be that my thought process has been the way its been for so long that I cannot conceive of what makes me happy anymore. What do I enjoy? What makes me content? What brings me happiness? Every idea that I can think of immediately has a flaw that would make me feel something negative. I literally cannot conceive of something that can make me genuinely happy.

I don't get truly happy very often. I find it hard to recall of many incidents of being happy at all. There are many reasons to be happy, many ways to achieve it, but I simply cannot think of any specific thing that applies to myself.

It is said that the idea of being happy only once you get something is fundamentally flawed. Considering the greed in human nature, I feel inclined to agree. Getting something would only make you want more and more and more and eventually you feel more disappointment than happiness. Happiness is not materialistic, and it makes sense.

I can understand the idea behind it, I can conceive of things that seem to work with the average human being, but I can't seem to find anything that would work for me. Perhaps it is the nature of myself from my past experience, but when I fail to find something for quite a while, I stop trying. I don't recall making a conscious decision about it. I just noticed that at one point, I'm not really trying anymore.

Happiness is like an unattainable goal for me at this point. I no longer know what can truly make me happy anymore. I stopped looking the day I noticed I didn't know what I was looking for.